Category: Amusements

Phone solicitor rap

You never know when inspiration will strike. This morning before opening the office, I wrote a rap song. Gimme a beat now. Here we go.

Oh, no, Tessa, say it ain’t true.

I stopped my chores to listen to you?

Turned off the vacuum, picked up the phone,

‘cuz you got a warranty for a car I don’t own?

You mechanical-voiced fake woman out there,

you blocked caller ID, to show you dare

to dis’ me big,

thumb your nose at da man.

I’ll narc you off, and you know I can.

But, Tessa, you agressa,

I’ll give you a break.

I was workin’ up a sweat with that vacuum snake.

I was huffin’ and a puffin’ to the second floor,

so you gave me a breather,

I could use five more.

But Tessa, the messa, it still be there,

so if you call again, you betta beware.

Behold, the finished product

We got a new office chair from the neighborhood big box office supply. Total impulse buy. We’re all loving the product sheet that came with it. Its copywriters tried to get hip. Some of us heard angels sing when we turned to the page with the words “behold, the finished product” above a drawing of the chair. We beheld the simplicity of the illustration in respectful silence.

Then we busted up laughing and turned to the page that says, “Take a look at the diagram below. It’s packed with features that make it easy to fine-tune the comfort to meet your unique needs.”

First of all, the diagram is not packed with features. Nor is the chair. In fact, the only feature is a seat height adjustment lever, but the writers let the excitement continue to build nonetheless. “Just turn the page to learn how easy it is to adjust this chair for maximum comfort.”

We turned the page. We all read the instructions carefully, then took turns using the seat height adjust lever to fine-tune the comfort. The youngest among us took the chair for a spin. Now we’re fighting over who gets to keep the product sheet.